Created out of two young SOAP's crazy minds, here is one of the craziest soap (lol) operas to ever be thought of. By the way, it could be confusing as it's based on a story I wrote.
Sharon: Hey John, I just got an email from this girl... do you know her? She asked me to shred a massive guitar solo. What do you think?
John: I think she is probably insane.
Sharon: But would the fans like it if I did?
John: I don’t know.
Sharon: I think they would…
John: I HAVE A QUESTION!
John: If dad is your boyfriend, why are you touching Ruud?
Sharon: Err... Uh... My foot hurt and I needed to lean on the person nearest to me, which happened to be Ruud.
John: Well, you have Doc Martens. They’re like platforms.
Sharon: And I twisted my ankle with them. And anyway, mine aren't like platforms!
John: PFFT! They’re bigger than mine!
Sharon: No they're not; I'm just taller than you. Platform boots have HUGE soles, and mine aren't that thick.
John: You are NOT taller than me! I’m 1.76 metres.
Sharon: Look at Emppu Vuorinen's shoes. THEY are platforms, not mine.
John: Well, Emppu is short. So… are you having an affair?
Sharon: No… Sharon looks embarrassed.
John: I'm telling dad! John yells. DAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
Robert shouts from upstairs. YES? He runs down the stairs. What do you want?
John whispers to Sharon. Mom, give me £5,000,000 and I won’t tell dad.
Sharon whispers back to John. Prove how I'm having an affair - putting my hand on someone doesn't mean I'm having an affair with them.
John: DAD! MOM IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!
Robert gasps. SHARON, HOW COULD YOU?!
Sharon: I didn't! I swear!
John: She did! And I have proof!
Sharon shouts. PROVE IT!
John shows Robert the picture. SEE?
Robert scratches his head. I don't see how this proves Sharon is having an affair…
John: Wrong picture. He shows Robert a really incriminating picture.
Sharon: HOW DID YOU GET THAT? Robert, it's not true!
John: Father, who do you believe more?
Robert: Well, I don't know. I've known Sharon longer and I've only really been talking to you for a few weeks. Plus, you're a spoiled brat, so I'd rather believe Sharon.
John: BUT THE PICTURE!
Robert: You can't fool me! That’s fake!
John: It’s not! Tarja took the picture.
Sharon: Name the time and date it was taken.
John: I don’t know. Tarja took it 3 days ago, when you were on that "trip", dad.
Sharon waves her arms in a weird manner. You’ll forget this, both of you. There is a flash of light. John and Robert fall on the floor.
John: What just happened? He gets up.
Robert: Ouch, my head... Yeah, what happened, Sharon?
Sharon: Err... You two fainted and I don't know why… and I got a little scared.
John: How strange...
Sharon: Yes, a little frightening too.
John: I wonder why we fell like that… oh wait… he looks at the photo in his hand. What is this picture?
Sharon snatches the picture. Oh, nothing. She rips it up into little pieces.
John: Strange… it looked like Ruud, and… you! Dad! Mom is having an affair with Ruud!
Ruud walks in. Hello all!
Sharon: OKAY, I CONFESS! We were drunk!
Ruud: What? Sharon, how could you?!
Sharon gasps and runs upstairs in shame.
Robert: What are you doing with my woman?! He holds up his fists.
Ruud gasps. Err… Ruud punches Robert. POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!
Robert roundhouse kicks Ruud in the face. That'll teach you…
Ruud is lying on the floor. John helps Ruud up, and punches him. Robert and John savagely beat up Ruud. Ruud is lying on the floor in pain.
Robert: That'll teach you for stealing my woman! Sharon dear, you can come down now!
Sharon walks down the stairs in shame.Sharon: I can explain... he spiked my drink!
Ruud gets up. WHAT?! SHE LIES!
Robert searches Ruud's pocket and finds GHB. You DID!
Robert roundhouse kicks Ruud in the face again. Ruud is now in serious pain.
Robert: Now GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! He points in the direction of the door.
Simone appears at the door.
Sharon: Simone?! What are you doing here?
Simone: I too have had an affair with Sharon! Will you beat me up too?
Robert: I don't hit girls. JOHN! Stop that! Anyway, Sharon... there are a lot of things here that need explaining…
Ruud and Simone: Indeed!
Everyone awaits Sharon's explanation, when Vibeke walks in.
John: Vibeke? What are YOU doing here?
Sharon: Robert, explain why Vibeke is here please.
Robert: Err.... well... SHE OFFERED ME MONEY!
Robert: She made me feel like a whore! It was horrible! Robert sobs.
Ruud: It was… ANETTE’S FAULT!
Anette walks in. I did it! Everyone gasps.
Sharon: BITCH! Sharon slaps Anette. Tuomas walks in.
Tuomas: ARE YOU ALL MAD, PEOPLE?!
Robert: No, you are. Robert mutters. Stupid girl…
Tuomas: Oh no, you di'int!
Robert: Oh yes I did!
Tuomas starts a fight with Robert. John cuts in. STOP! John is slapped by Tuomas. Robert kicks Tuomas in the groin and realises that Tuomas has no balls. Robert laughs. Tuomas kicks Robert in the groin.
Robert: OUCH! Robert is on the floor in agony.
Sharon: Great! No more kids for me then!
John attacks Tuomas, while Sharon pulls Tuomas' hair.
Vibeke: I’M A MAN!
Simone: Me too!
Robert gets up. She butt raped me!
Sharon: Who did?
Ruud: So you had an affair too?
Robert: Like I said, she offered me money... I told her no but that aggravated her so she butt raped me.
Tuomas kicks Vibeke in the groin. Vibeke dies, and Simone and Tuomas start fighting. John is perplexed and helps his father up. Sharon starts waving her arms about. Anette sings and windows crack. Ruud attacks John and Robert. Tuomas is killed by Simone.
Simone: I WIN!
John and Robert are being beaten up by Ruud.
Emily walks in.
Robert: My balls still hurt! Robert rubs his groin.
Emily: Hey everyone!
Ruud: HELP ME, daughter!
Emily: What's going on?!
Everyone talks at once.
Emily: One at a time, please.
Ruud: Well, Sharon had an affair with me, Vibeke was killed by Tuomas, Tuomas was killed by Simone, Robert and John have been beaten up by me, Sharon is doing weird arm movements, and Anette is singing.
Emily: Oh… my… God! Emily gasps. I KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON!
Everyone: What? They all stop to listen.
Emily: How long have you been having an affair with Sharon, dad?
Ruud: 14 years… Robert gasps.
Emily: I think I know who my mother is...
Everyone turns to look at Sharon. Ruud looks at Sharon, and Sharon looks back at Ruud.
Emily: I HAVE A BROTHER! Half brother, but still… YAY!
John and WTI realize they are siblings. They hug, while Robert gags, and Ruud runs away.
Robert: SHARON! He sobs. Everyone leaves, apart from Emily, who is left with Luna. Simone, John, and Tarja come back with signed adoption papers, and take Luna. Cue theme music.
Edit: Co-wrote it with Kharhaz
May Sharon protect you all from evil.
SOAP - Washing Those Hands Of Darkness Since July 24th.